there have been people throughout my life
who have tried to force me into someone I am not.
all the pressure to fit their design
left me broken.
you are the only one
who saw my broken pieces
and gave me the power to fix myself.
refusing to exert your will and shape me
instead waiting until you could see my whole.
not only accepting me as I am
but handling me carefully
as the jagged cracks exist still
just below the surface.
When you are diagnosed with a chronic disorder, you go through stages almost like grieving a loss. Denial, anger, bargaining, etc. In the past several months I think I’ve gone through all of them. At this point, I’m in acceptance. I still have moments where I’m really depressed, angry, or denying that this is where I’m at, but for the most part I’ve accepted that this is how things are and I’m moving forward.
I’ve been working with a medical team headed by a doctor of physical medicine and rehabilitation therapy, a geneticist, physical therapist, and an occupational therapist. I’ve finally given in to the fact that I might need medication to get through this, and have begun taking a couple prescriptions at low doses to help me get through the day with the lowest manageable level of pain.
I’m trying to learn what I can do without causing myself to be in pain for the next several days — avoiding stairs is a biggie, as well as having the opportunity to sit/stand as needed throughout the day. With this in mind, my job in marketing at the bakery just wasn’t a good fit. The consistent computer work along with the added stress of marketing just wasn’t where I needed my life to be at the moment. I did a lot of soul searching and decided to move to a career as a teacher. Currently I’m teaching in an early childhood classroom (one year olds) where I am able to make my own curriculum focused on kindness and respect, and I’m able to sit or stand whenever I need to. I can take care of my body and my heart is totally fulfilled with what I feel I need to do. I am loving this new career and feel this is where I’m meant to be.
We are making small shifts at home that allow me to be more comfortable as well, like purchasing a new couch. Our old one was beaten up (by the kids) and incredibly uncomfortable, where I couldn’t really sit on it and thus had to study and work upstairs in bed. This wasn’t a big deal, but it meant more stairs than necessary. As time goes on, making the main floor of the house more of a base for me is what we’re going for. The new couch is a first step in that, and the kitchen remodel will eventually be another step towards that goal.
Between the new job, medication, and lifestyle changes, we’ve managed to have an active, wonderful summer with the boys so far. We went tent camping as a family, and discovered that while it was great, the air mattress wouldn’t work for me long-term. We purchased a pop-up camper and have used it now with success, and are looking forward to many family memories with it. The ease of packing and comfortable sleeping arrangements make it much better for us all for the future.
I’m still sometimes really upset about having to give up so much. I would love to be able to dance again. I miss ballet. I get frustrated when people don’t understand how much pain I’m really in (even though I don’t really let on how much). I feel guilty for venting to Kraut when I am really hurting. The issue arises from the fact that I’m *always* hurting, but I only say something when it gets unbearable. He doesn’t hear anything until it gets to a really bad point, so he assumes that for the most part I’m fine. It’s not his fault, but it’s frustrating all the same. I’m always at a 2-3 on the pain scale, always. When it gets to a 4 or a 6, I’ll tell him that he needs to take over with the kids or make dinner, and I can’t blame him for being confused. Things can change really quickly. And the weather we’ve been having lately certainly doesn’t help. The fluctuations in pressure have been killing me.
But enough venting. The kids have been having a fantastic summer. Seven and Nine are both on the summer swim team this year, and are spending countless hours in the pool. Four is in swim lessons and is actually enjoying them, finally! He is making great strides with his learning and is looking forward to 4-K in the fall. The big boys are excited to get back to their friends in 4th and 2nd grades (gasp!). Kraut is still enjoying his job, and has started his MBA program online. We’re busy, but happy, and there’s just nothing wrong with that.
Honestly, Kraut looked at me the other night and said, “Things could stay just like this and I’d be happy.” We are both in jobs we truly love, the kids are doing great, we love our home and community. Things are going well and hopefully, that will continue. Sometimes, changes are only for the best.
Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. I celebrated with a lunch with my dad, a special sushi dinner with my husband and kids, and cake from my boss at the bakery.
And a clinical diagnosis.
I drove several hours to see a geneticist, and after a full family and personal medical history and physical exam, I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome – Hypermobility Type.
Part of me is relieved. I broke down in tears as the doctor told me, “This is real. Your pain is real. You’ve been told all your life that you don’t look sick, that you seem healthy, that you must be exaggerating. You’ve brushed it off and thought it must be normal. It’s not.” I have been in chronic pain for years, but have always just dealt with it for the most part, thinking that it was just something everyone had and that I shouldn’t complain. In recent years, the pain has gotten bad enough to inhibit sleep and daily activities, and I started looking for answers. Turns out that my whole life has been leading up to this, and that there is no cure. I have been doing everything WRONG for my joints, and it’s not going to get any better. I can manage my pain and hopefully work on building some muscle tone to stabilize somewhat, but the harsh reality is that some changes are going to need to be made.
No more ballet. It encourages my joints to stretch beyond what they should. I have to really think about everything that I do. Is there a way that I can do this without putting pressure on my joints or without stretching? Is there a way that I can minimize impact? My exercise is going to be mainly water aerobics, swimming, biking (with wrist support) and walking. I have to go get an echocardiogram done to make sure my aorta isn’t dilating/stretching. I have to assemble a medical management team of a rehabilitation/sports medicine specialist, physical therapist, and occupational therapist. I have to tell every dentist and surgeon I am treated by about my disorder so that they can accommodate. I will continue to degenerate.
It’s not going to get better. My kids all had a 50/50 chance of having this disorder. I’m pretty sure that Nine and Three have it. I’ll get them tested, too. While I’m relieved that at least for them, I can minimize damage done early and keep them as pain-free as possible for as long as possible, I feel incredibly guilty for giving them something that is going to cause them inevitable pain in their lives, sooner than it should.
No one should have to live with chronic pain. I am hoping that I can get a treatment plan in place to keep me as active as possible as long as I can be. I am hoping that this disorder does not get in the way of my life. However, it is looking like I’m going to have to think about things like more braces (I already wear braces on my hands) and assistive devices as well as getting my boys to chip in more around the house. I’m going to have to consider the layout and design of my kitchen remodel to help me navigate it with as little trouble as possible.
I’m still coping with everything and coming to terms with this. I am sad about the changes that I’m going to have to make, but glad that I’m still young enough to make them, and that my kids are young enough to avoid things, too.
We were incredibly blessed to have been able to spend the first part of January in Playa del Carmen, Mexico.
We stayed in an amazing all-inclusive resort — Hacienda Tres Rios. Surrounded by a nature park and with an ample beach, the location and atmosphere couldn’t be beat. There was literally something for everyone: we went kayaking through mangroves on the rios, played in the ocean surf, laid out and swam in the pools, went on a sensory jungle tour, and enjoyed music and shows right at the resort. The rooms were spacious, clean, and luxurious, with absolutely amazing views.
(Image courtesy of Hacienda Tres Rios)
(Image courtesy of Hacienda Tres Rios)
There were salsa dancing lessons, beer & tequila tastings, soccer and volleyball games, kids’ craft activities, and so much more. The resort was amazingly kid-friendly.
One day we took a van into Playa del Carmen for shopping. When my sleepy Three needed a nap, I was excited (and relieved) to remember and purchase a Mexican rebozo — and Kraut was happy to wrap & carry him. I think the shop owners were pretty tickled to have an American ask about and know how to use this traditional babywearing garment!
Another day we had the chance to swim with dolphins — definitely a highlight! The facility was so well-run, with staff to guide and assist us with every step. The kids had a BLAST and we got some unforgettable memories from the experience.
I had a TON of anxiety about the trip beforehand, and I’d like to share a couple tips if you’re thinking about a similar vacation:
We had the BEST time, and started planning another trip next year immediately upon returning home. Hopefully these tips help if you want to do something similar — and please comment with questions!
Alright, I admit — a post every six months isn’t what I’d imagined for this space. If I’m honest with myself, though, it’s been as much as I’m able to do. Mentally, I can’t commit to anything more. I’m lucky to shower every few days, much less take the time to write a blog post.
Frankly, as the boys get older, things continue to get busier. These days I’m spending my time at work at the bakery or at the local YMCA — thank goodness for wifi. Every weekday there are activities: Nine (yes, nine) has club swim team and Seven (yes, really seven) has gymnastics and swim lessons. Three has gymnastics as well, and swim lessons when he feels like it (which isn’t often, nor is it a battle I’m willing to fight at this point). Wednesdays are for their religion classes, and weekends sometimes hold swim meets and often time spent with extended family.
We’re treading water, trying to adapt and manage this life with kids who have very different activities, friends, and interests.
I’m still drifting, but I feel like I’ve finally narrowed my focus and know what direction I’m going to take. Part of that stems from some health issues that are coming to a head — my joints are finally getting to the point where I can’t physically do things that I would otherwise like to do.
Starting in February, I’ll be resuming classes towards my Associate’s Degree online. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish in two years, and then I’ll transfer into another online program heading for a Bachelor.
I’ve had the opportunity to substitute teach for the boys’ daycare in town and I LOVE IT. The atmosphere, the center, the other teachers, and the kids are all absolutely amazing. I really want to continue in this direction, and I think it’s what I’m being called to do.
After the first of the year, I’m hoping to get my health back on track. I’m hoping to resume workouts and ballet after I’m done getting up at 3:30am to work at the bakery (staffing issues) and I know that will really help me emotionally.
The past six months have passed in silence…at least in this space.
Over the past 6 months, there have been an insane amount of changes in our lives.
I took a new job as marketing manager for the local bakery.
Kraut took a new job doing demand planning for the same company his dad works for.
That means that our commutes and schedules have completely flip-flopped. I work in the office two days/week, and Kraut commutes Monday-Friday. We have weekends together as a family for the first time in over 8 years. We have the kids in daycare on my work days, and that’s honestly good for them. It’s been a lot of adjusting, as I’m now in charge of the household (and working from home).
As a result, I’ve stopped coaching. (To be honest, I was taking everything way too personally and needed to step back, it wasn’t good for me mentally/emotionally). I haven’t been able to attend ballet as much as I would like. I haven’t been working out. I haven’t been able to attend band rehearsals. My life has been revolving around work, daycare, swim lessons, swim team, baseball, Kinderchor, and other kid activities — as well as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
I’ll admit — I’m feeling like I’m drifting. I absolutely love the bakery and my coworkers. I love the business. But I’m not fulfilled by marketing anymore. I’m feeling overwhelmed by everything, and I take each hurdle and issue personally.
I feel like I’m withdrawing. There are all these things that I *want* to do, but I’m so overwhelmed that I feel like I can’t. Or shouldn’t — that there are other things I should be doing. I haven’t been able to spend time with friends, and I feel like I’m damaging some relationships.
I’m just stuck. I feel like what I *want* and what I am actually doing are so very, very far apart.
Part of the problem is that I can’t focus in on what it is that I really want. There are several directions I’d like to go, but I can’t decide which one to go after and which are actually viable or best for our family.
I want to teach. That’s what I went to college for, however shortlived. I’d love to go back to school for a teaching degree, but I don’t know if I can do it — at least not while working full-time. That’s not financially feasible for us, so again, I’m stuck.
I want to work outside. I want to farm — livestock. Goats, horses, sheep? Working with my hands, outside, is something I have always LOVED. Working with animals is my passion. But can it make a living enough to help support the family? Big gambles. The initial investment is so very high, too.
In the meantime, anxiety and depression are nipping at my heels. I’m focusing on being present for my kids, but feel like I’m ignoring my own needs. I am struggling to find the balance in my life.
I’m not sure which direction I’ll go from here. I guess we’ll see where the next 6 months take us…
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
One year.
2015 to 2016.
One year ago, I wrote about turning thirty. About feeling the need to take control of my health and to make positive changes in my world.
To begin pushing outside my comfort zone. Being more mindful. Being more present. Beginning ballet. Eating healthier.
And my, oh my. How much has changed in a year.
I’m now on the verge of turning thirty-one — in a little over a week. I’ve maintained my resolutions to make positive changes. I’ve continued in ballet. I’ve become stronger and healthier, physically and mentally. I became a health and wellness coach. I joined a new band to bring music back into my life. I’ve transitioned from full time working mom to stay-at-home/work-at-home mom.
A lot of good in my thirtieth year.
I’m finally growing into myself. I’m finally just beginning to figure out who I am, and what it means to be me. I’m finally learning to bend and not break, to compromise and stay true to my self. To honor my time and my intentions while still finding satisfaction in helping others.
My kids are growing bigger, more independent. My relationship with Kraut is growing deeper, stronger each day.
But really, how do you look back on a year of your life and measure it? How can you possibly attempt to quantify something so profound as the passage of time and stages of life?
You cannot only count the good days — the bad days teach you strength and resiliency.
You cannot only count your happiness — sadness and suffering show you gratitude and grace.
You cannot only count the past without also looking at how it has provided for your future.
I can only learn from the past year. I can look forward to the future. But today — this moment — is really all I have.
I am embracing the present. This year, I vow to be PRESENT. I vow to have grace in the passage of time, and in both good days and bad. I vow to be true to my journey and to be open to the day and whatever it brings.
Thirty-one. It’s less flashy, less scary, less BIG than thirty. It’s the ‘been there, done that’ of birthdays. I refuse to be blase about it, however. It marks the passage of a wonderful, chaotic, terrible, extraordinary, magical, awful, fabulous year. And it’s worthy of celebration.
Happy Birthday, me.
If you know me even a little bit, you’ll know that I only wear makeup on special occasions.
Even then, I’m fairly minimal — some pressed powder, shadow, mascara, lip gloss.
Up until recently, I really didn’t do much for my face, either. Suddenly I’m pushing 31, and starting to see some crow’s feet, and let’s be honest — the Wisconsin winters aren’t kind to skin. I have come to terms with the fact that I should probably start taking care of my skin, or things are going to get ugly. Fast.
Enter Perfectly Posh.
I fully admit to skepticism. The product names are silly. And really, how different could they be from the million and a half other brands?
A friend sent me some samples to try out, and well…color me impressed.
The first sample I tried was called “In a New York Minute” — hey, a one-minute facial sounds pretty nice for a busy mom!
No stinky chemical scent, here. I slathered on the lotion, and was pleased with the immediate feeling that it was working.
Disregard pirate-duck-face.
After a minute, I rinsed it off and was really amazed at how smooth and soft my face felt. Not bad for a minute!
Next, I tried the sensible-chuckle-worthy “Stripper” mask. A detox mud — sounds interesting.
Now this stuff feels good. Cooling and tingly at the same time. You can really feel it doing it’s thang, but it’s not uncomfortable or painful in any way.
It’s definitely more aggressive, but it’s really refreshing. My skin felt incredibly clean, soft, and bright. I really loved this one.
I had the opportunity to try a daily cleanser, and loved the “Complexion Perfection Exfoliating Face Wash.” I love the light, minty scent that refreshes and energizes, and the gentle exfoliation. I also love the fact that they use ground walnut shells to naturally smooth skin.
My other must-have product for everyday use is the “Moisturize 911 Caffeinated Face Creme.” It gives light, non-greasy moisture and the kick of caffeine tightens and brightens. It’s seriously amazing.
I still use natural locally-made soap for everything else, but I felt like my face needed something a little “extra.” I really like the results of the Posh products, and I definitely recommend giving them a try. Your skin will thank you.
****I received samples for the purpose of this review, but was not otherwise compensated. My review is my honest opinion. Post contains referral links.****
Years ago, Kraut and I decided to try a gluten-free diet to see if it made an impact on Eight’s behavior. For a year, we lived gluten free, and for awhile tried a Paleo diet as well. While the dietary changes didn’t seem to affect Eight at all, we gained an appreciation for a GOOD gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, etc treat. Our local co-op sold these date balls that were all of that — vegan and sweet and kid-friendly and delicious.
The other day, Kraut picked up a tub of pitted dates from Costco, and today I decided to try and recreate those yummy date balls.
** These measurements will not be exact. You will need to adjust for texture depending on how much moisture is in your coconut and dates. **
NO-BAKE COCONUT DATE BALLS
Add the dates, 2 cups of coconut, coconut oil, and vanilla to food processor. Process until combined and sticky. Add dates or coconut oil depending on desired texture.
By the tablespoon, roll mixture into balls and roll in shredded coconut.
(Not shown: me chasing the food processor across the countertop because dates don’t immediately chop up easily. Make sure you’ve got a hold on your machine before starting it up.)
The kids definitely approved of these, as they began to disappear before I even got them all rolled out. They taste like candy — a fabulous alternative to satisfy that sweet tooth.
I’ve been flirting with a very dark place this past week. A place where I’m clinging to my positivity, optimism, and wellness like a lifeline. My world was effectively turned upside down, and I’m struggling greatly with figuring out who I am now.
When you survive depression, you forever see it like tendrils of smoke curling at your ankles. It’s always there. Sometimes it’s small and light and dissipates so rapidly that you don’t even notice it, but it’s there. Even in the good times, you can often see it in your periphery. Sometimes it becomes ominous and dark, swirling upward until it threatens to choke you, overtake you.
Lately I’ve felt like the smoke is rising, and that terrifies me.
I’ve been focusing on my attitude, and above all else helping others. I’ve found that when you’re at your own rock bottom, helping others is a sure way to start climbing back out.
What it truly shows is that you don’t have to be PERFECT. You don’t have to be an expert. Or always completely on top of things. You just have to be willing. To have an open heart. To share of yourself. The broken, the battered, the honest truth laid bare is perhaps the most inspiring thing of all.
bloom. 